Meet, Greet and Take a Back Seat

The role of a Business Analyst is a role which is clouded with as much glamour as a Louboutin shoe dipped in donkey manure.

Part of the role involves gathering a bunch of people together who hate being bunched together but who will whinge separately about never ever being bunched together to solve their bunch of issues. 

Yes, I am getting my panties in a bunch. I HATE meetings. I hate them with a passion stronger than Axl Rose's love of Hello Kitty cupcakes.

Top 10 Meeting Offences :

1. Do you need me in this meeting? Absolutely not. I needed a replacement for the plant pot that Facilities took out of the room, and you seemed to fit right in, manky roots and all.
2. Is this meeting about the topic in the meeting invite subject line? Noooo. Not at all. Nay. It is about how to park your unicorn in Central London at rush hour time.
3. Will I get free food in this meeting? Well of course. Unfortunately, I only have Gluten Free Fucks to serve. Hope that is okay for your tastebuds?
4. Do I need to read the document attached to the invite which says 'please read'? No darling, you are meant to print it, fold it and make a dunce hat out of it. This is why it is required for the meeting. To highlight the dunce.
5. Why are we in meeting room A and not meeting room B?  You see, the Queen was driving by our office and  having the time of her life  (and never felt that way before) when her royal tank broke down by the office. She decided to do a royal flush in room B whilst waiting for Jim to Fix it. Does this satisfy your geographical concern for the location of your claustrophobic bottom from 1 to 2pm?
   
   
   
6. Homies checking their watch like the Rapture was running late.  As far as I am concerned, I did not summon you into this meeting by chanting your name 3 times in the 2nd floor toilets. Though with a face like yours, it probably would work. 
7. Interrupting me mid-flow to demonstrate your ability to formulate a string of airborne incoherent babble. Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase. Do. Go. A-head. I have a lot longer to live than you,  and can therefore hold onto five extra minutes of respiratory function. Spit that final breath.
8. Derailing the session by focussing on the color of the meeting room wallpaper. True story. I was one  keyboard-slap away from notifying them that the only paper they should be concerned  with was the obituary that they may have to draft should they not regroup. Fast.
9. Huffing and puffing to indicate some sort of human communication .  This really surprised me. I was never told at the interview stage that my stakeholders may take the shape of buffalos. Buffalo Whisperer is not a skill I wish to add to my CV, thanks.
10. Using a dildo as a legitimate business critical pointing device. True story, I worked at a lingerie retailer's head office and dude wanted to highlight a tiny ass mistake on a flip chart so bad that he roamed the room (he clearly wasn't satisfied with using his fingers - different strokes for different folks eh),  grabbed a dildo that was lying around (as they do in that business, some people are actually paid to practice run plastic dongs) and started using the moldable schlong as a device of superior knowledge. Ding Dong, the Business Bitch is Dead.(I resurrected though. unfortunately)