Dude, Where's My Car(eer)?

Revelations, Book 3, Chapter of the Motley Crüe, Book of Lemmy.

Day 1 of New Job.

8.30am. Nervous Newbies (myself and Cool Colleague) formally introduced to the Company's members of staff, currently comprising of 4 people. Nervous Newbies left to witness and rot for the next 3 hours in an atmosphere so tense, that both were actually expecting Bruce Willis to come, detonate a farty bomb and serve us the actual slices of awkward with an extra bit of uncomfortable silence on top.

Nervous Newbies are left to lunch on their own, gazing into their £6.50 London Salad, covered in grease and smothered in TotalJobs.com lies.

In a sobering moment of  'Fuck social expectations, Imma say what I think about this shit', they exchange the simple words : 'Dude.What. The. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck??!???'

Day 2 of New Job.

Narcoleptic Newbies bond over the synchronised eye-rolling their respective eyeballs launch into upon the viewing and listening of the induction material, most of it dating from Moses' times - pre Hollywood days.

Narcoleptic Newbies bitch on their way to the coffee machine and realise :

Day 3 of New Job.

Numb Newbies talk about drinking alcohol at 8.35am.

Numb Newbies talk about jumping off the windows at 9.18am.

Numb Newbies talked into not talking by a managerial stare so powerful, it cancelled Bruce Willis' second scheduled visit, and replaced it with a visit from Silent Bob.

Day 4 of New Job. 

Neurotic Newbies get cracking. Gather intelligence through internet sleuthing and bribing of soon to be ex-colleague with a Chicken Butterfly meal at Nandos.

1. Over the last 7 months, 3 people have left a workforce which was comprising of a grand total of 7 people; thus indicating an exodus more intense than what happens when Nickelback plays in a rock club.
2. Out of the defectors:
•  One left a scathing online review of the company, notably indicating that the manager was the Second Coming of Hannibal Lecter crossed with Barbra Streisand. Said review also indicated a tendency for the Owner to mould his behaviour on Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars.
•  The other dragged Wierdos Limited to Employment Tribunal to recover the bits of his arse that got mercilessly spanked during his tenure. And he won his booty back.

Day 5 of New Job.

In a few hours.Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk!!!!!