When Shit Hits The Fan, It Kinda Smells

I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients. I hate stupid clients.

Especially when they are flatulent. Holy Mother Fucking Pinocchio Schnozzle, today my pristine face nearly turned into this motherfucker's:

 

Between the clients' verbal diarrhea and their physical anal cabal, my non-religious arse had to ask Jesus to resuscitate as a can of Febreze and spread the Holy Gospel in a perimeter of 3 kilometers.

The worse is that as a professional con artist consultant I am legally obliged to keep a Terminator face, when in reality all I want to do is burst into a rendition of 'I want to break free' by Queen, complete with a vaccuum cleaner that I would stuck onto the smelly offender's obscene orifice, before legging it to the nearest pub.

Note to self : get the office administrator to include a gas mask to her next office stationery Amazon order for my next client visits.

 

Oink Oink.

Chastity Belle(nd) Failure

Enough said.

What happened on Sunday 10th January will remain in the muscle memory of My lady cave and removed from the memory of My lady brain.

Damnit! Why can't I get to share embarrassing body slapping moments with a nice guy instead?

Meh.

I hereby promise to Myself and My knickers that we will rise high ...higher than Simon Cowell's trousers and Chuck Norris' mullet.

New Year Resolutions : 2016 Bad Bitch Edition

1. Continue to be a Bad Bitch
2. Discard obnoxious dong owners and do not give them the time of the day because of rule number 1
3. Eat healthily ... and that does includes chicken pad thai
4. Get my taekwondo Black Belt, and in general, practice more - and it doesnt matter if it involves breaking bitches instead of boards
5. Do more travel, and that does mean in a perimeter outside the Kingdom of London
6. Be proud of my black wardrobe and use more of my metal bling (not in people's face, for that see point 4)
7. Keep a circle of friends made of people who matter, not facebook critters
8. Stop playing Lady Save-A-Hoe , unless I get paid for it
9. Cook more from scratch, and that does also include chicken pad thai
10. Marry Christian Bale and party in our kinky dungeon

Oh yeah baby!